It's been the darkest week of my life to date. When I lose all controls of my life, I find that I crash-land hard too.

"When all is revealed, don't look at me in a different light."

I don't want to lie to anybody so here is the truth.

Yes, I smoked. 1 and a half box in just 1 week. I feel disgusted with myself. For holding back the truth, lying to all my friends and the stained fingers I now carry. It's been a week where crazy and dark thoughts run through my mind and the inertia of it just forced me to buckle.

As I lay on the floor, I was broken inside. Broken but not out. Inside me was a tiny fighting spirit, fighting against the avatar that was willing me to do all those stupid things and thinking of stupid stuff. I was being controlled by something that wasn't me. I felt that somehow the old Mark Zheng was lost.

The one who resisted the temptation of smoking, the one who encouraged friends to stop instead of saying "Eh, go smoke leh."

But let's make it clear, I don't blame anybody for teaching me/ not stopping me to smoke.Think of me as an uninterested student in smoking.

How many people will change their impression of me, I don't care already. You can think of me as you like. Like Calvin, I don't want to care about how people think of me. Only a few matter.

To Xuewei : Thank you for your love. Seriously. Even though we are
just friends, it was your words that was the punch that woke me up. I asked you
not to change your perception of me, but I didn't even need to. It's a real
blessing to have you as a "Love" in my life. Words can't explain how powerful
your words were last night. What it did was to shake me up and realise I got
people as dear as you to talk to. I love you seriously. As a friend only
lah. -.-

To all those who smoked with me : Don't you guys ever feel guilty, you
taught me a lesson that can't be taught by others. Don't ever feel guilty cause
it was my fault.

I am climbing out of the destruction of my life. I know temptations will be at every corner I turn. But I know I am feeling like my old self. For now, I walk on with scars from my life. Scars that are dirty and contaminated.

Time will heal those scars. Now, I have to concentrate on the off-season maintanence of my fitness.

Carrying your name, close to me.
8:03 PM